Friday, May 4, 2007
egh, lot on my mind
So i was going to play a lot of poker tonight, but am not in the mood to gamble. It would probably result in me losing a lot of money. I'm having one of those days where i wish i was somewhere else than my life...maybe not a day, just a moment anyways. I am really happy to live with the people i live with, just sometimes i wish we had more in common.. My personality is kind of outcast to theirs, while we do share a lot of the same interests, i can only watch so much baseball on tv. I can't stand being inside all day watching tv, playing video games, and poker. I need something exhilarating, something physical and challenging. I like to be surrounded by people who are motivated towards a goal. I usually can keep positive about most, but occasionally i just get brought down by those around me. Like the friend who tries to run you over, and then gets home and yells at you on AIM only because you put his windshield wiper up when you got out of his car. I wish someone other than Ryan and I would clean the apartment, Jared isn't terrible at it, but another person never makes an effort. Do you ever feel like you make an extreme effort to help a friend out of a funk and money trouble, and they still go about their life like no trouble exists, and they don't go out of their way to make a change or make you feel like you should keep trying. I hate feeling alone in an apartment with 3 other people i consider to be my best friends. Things are getting better though, Ryan and I play basketball a couple times a week, tomorrow is Cinco de Mayo and we're gonna be at the pool drinking Corona and playing Volleyball all day. One more week and i will be in Key West for 6 days. That should really help out, going out in the boat and diving every day seems to relax me. Maybe a good dinner will help clear my head so i can play a session.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
1 comments:
I have considered a number of responses to this from "seriously, fuck you" to what I am now going to write.
My ambition in life is to travel the world, walk this earth, find out why I am here and enjoy every moment of my time to its fullest potiental. Xak's is to enjoy each day as he takes it and not let anyone else tell him what to do(I believe). Ryan's is to be a rich mofo who runs his own business and is amazingly successful (I think). Your goal is to get married have a great family and spend life building a great environment for your wife and kids (I think).
You say: "My personality is kind of outcast to theirs, while we do share a lot of the same interests, i can only watch so much baseball on tv. I can't stand being inside all day watching tv, playing video games, and poker. I need something exhilarating, something physical and challenging. I like to be surrounded by people who are motivated towards a goal."
Maybe you should learn to not impose your will on others. We are not your bitches, we are your friends. We each have our own set of goals, and things we want to do when we wake up each day. Stop pretending that each of us wants to do what you want to do all the time. Stop being negative when someone says they don't want to do something or changes their mind about going somewhere. We are people who do what we do BECAUSE of the freedom it provides, you have constantly these past months been the person who has attempted to invade that freedom. I have explicitly NOT spent time with you these past few months because you have been negative, hateful and resentful. If I decide not to do an activity with you there have been times you have been nagging, spiteful or made snide comments just out of my hearing. I am in life to enjoy it. Why would I want to spend time someone who is in a negative mindset? Especially why would I want to go out to a bar with two of these people (you and Mo). I love you both but you have been down on life the past two months most days. Although Mo has improved considerably recently. Is there a reason is living hell I would want to go DRINKING with you of all things. Consider how stupid that would be. I have thought about approaching you to discuss this but you are often denfensive whenever I bring anything up negative about yourself. In the past I have ocassionally commented that you need to do a load of dishes or told you that you are being a prick today because you are so negative and condensing at times. Each of these times has resulted in a violent negative reaction that is of a defensive nature so I have stopped bringing these topics up to you. Why would I want to get into an arguement about dishes or you being a prick when I can just let you stew and figure out why you are in a bad mood and take it out on me. There have been some great times in the past few months were we have been chilling on the couch relaxed and just shooting the shit. Or going to lift weights at the gym. It seems instead of enjoying the time we spend together you just angrily rail against the times that were aren't or will not. Why not just appreciate the time you get to spend with your friends? Did you consider that if you acted in this way or did this the amount of time they would spend with you might increase?
You say: "I usually can keep positive about most, but occasionally i just get brought down by those around me. Like the friend who tries to run you over, and then gets home and yells at you on AIM only because you put his windshield wiper up when you got out of his car."
I think that you are usually a postiive guy but this has not been true recently. I think you get brought down by yourself, creating expectations and false facts about those around you. An example. Come on, you knew us for a good while before we started living together. You have been in and slept in our old apartment for days at a time. Was it clean? Did Zach and I ever do a good job cleaning it? Did you really think this was all Conrad's lazy ass fault? Sure he was probably the worst of the three of us at times, but we are not clean people, never have been, and likely never will be. Did you move in expecting we were going to be great about cleaning dishes and keeping the apartment clean? If this is a problem why don't we get a maid as I have discussed multiple times? Its not everyone elses job to go buy everything that will improve this apartment. If you think everything needs to be cleaner then it has been why don't you be the one to bring this up and talk about how it will be paid for etc? Despite all this I have tried hard to work with you and improve in my cleaning. I think if you ask Zach or Ryan they would rank us in the following order in terms of amount of time spenting cleaning:
1) Ryan
2) Me
3) You
4) Zach
Have you ever mopped the kitchen floor? The one time Zach and I tried to get you to clean the bathroom it was like we were the devil telling you time to go to hell. Even though we had both cleaned it before the in prior months (when you were cleaning nothing and probably sleeping) you got offended that nobody was cleaning while you were. Do you realize how hypocritical it is to do this and then (probably has one of the main reasons that inspired your orginial blog post) to complain about cleaning. Especially because Ryan and I immediately helped when you asked us to while you start on the couch when the job wasn't complete and we were still working.
I don't have a problem with this. I expect people to be who they are. I have know Zach for a LOOOOONNGGG time now. I know he is not going to do the dishes as often as he should or keep his room clean. I am not his mom, I DON'T EXPECT HIM to do this. I knew when I became his longterm friend that this was part of his personality. Just like he knows that I am absent minded and have a terrible short term memory. He is helpful and will always get up and help me look for something that I have lost if he is not busy or if he is he will take a second to think of where I could've left something. These are STUPID LITTLE THINGS that we all do for eachother. If you cannot see this and learn to accept it as the way a complex back and forth friendship works in this world that is a huge problem you need to work on. Another example. You are terrible at keeping track of friend<--->friend monetary transactions. There are multiple items you use daily that you have never paid for part of. I thought it was understood that at the time these items were bought that you didn't have enough to contribute at the time but if you ended up using them all the time you'd ante up when you had enough money. You demand that your friends think of you every time they buy a meal and bring it home. For example, if Ryan and I go somewhere then get food on the way back and forget to get some for you will at the least mention it in a negative tone. On the other hand if you go to Quiznos to grab a sub you don't think to call us to see if anyone is awake for the day. I don't mind either of these things. There are times when they may disappoint me and I need to vent about them to Xak or Ryan (or to you if its about them!) but at the end of the day I enjoy the things about you more then I don't. There are things I am terrible about as a friend. I always change my mind about what I want to do. Usually up until a couple hours before something happens I just don't know. This often causes tension between us. You will be neagtive towards me or make comments that "I am not reliable in a disappoint tone". You aren't my Dad. Shut the fuck up. I am in my life to enjoy what I do every minute, not think ahead 2 hours or a day to what my mind/body is going to enjoy at that moment. There are activities that I enjoy doing often like poker, volleyball, watching sports, smoking weed whatever. Sometimes I will not do these activities for MONTHS at a time then I will pick them up again and do them a lot in a short time frame. I'm sorry if this isn't how you run your life but I've discovered its what I enjoy so learn to accept it or don't be my friend. But either way stop being negative about it.
The fact is you need to reach your goal. You need a girl who will constantly be around you and stablize you. You aren't alone in this regard. I have heard lots of men comment later in their life that they would've killed themselves if they had not found a girl to marry as soon as they did. Women are often a stablizing and calming presence on a guy's life. I know the feeling. You also have a quirk in your personality where you cannot do the smallest thing alone when it could be done together. For example, you usually don't want to drive to pick up food for everyone alone and always ask someone to come with you. Even though (everyone except Ryan who still doesn't know how to drive stick) does this often and never mentions/complains about it. You need a girl around you to provide this. Girl's often have less hobbies, less direction about what they want to do on a daily basis (at least in my experience). Sure there are plenty of exceptions, but there are also a lot of submissive women out there and even submissive women who have great personalities and a lot to them. I think having a women in your life would provide someone to do everything with you. The fact is your friends can't be these people or at least one group of them can't. We each have our own wants and needs and we can't be characterized into doing the same things that you want to do everyday. Xak, Ryan and I as a group are complex individuals don't treat us like retarded people.
Also I am not sure where you got the impression that we are people who constantly like to go out and do nightlife activities. Zach especially. Ryan and I have often gone out in the past but are more focused currently on improving our financial situations, poker game, and physical fitness (it may not always seem like it but thats just because we have plenty of breaks in our willpower). A few months ago we used to go out 4-5 days a week often to Peabodies. After a while I got bored with it. I suggested we go to another place and came up with a few locations but interest between everyone didn't seem that high so I mostly dropped it at the time (whereas now you want to go out to a lot of places but are too negative to hang out with while drinking). I don't really enjoy going out and shooting pool/getting drunk as possible to escape ourselves every night. This is what you and Mo like to do. There was a time last year when I was like this but have since worked past my internal problems (like getting over that I don't give a shit about dropping out of college. That took me a month of solid drinking at least). I love going out sometimes to nice places to have drinks and just enjoy the night. But why would I want to go out and do this with someone who is negative and condensing to me everything I choose NOT to go out? Its basically like we are all losers. And you make that clear before you head out for the night. This didn't used to be the case because we were often going out. But I went through a period of a month or so when I was in a funk and working through my mental state. I was losing in poker, doing badly at life in general, dropping out of college for the 2nd time etc. Instead of being supportive of the course of action I wanted and needed to take (deciding to really focus on poker, improve my game and become great at it, instead of going to school and becoming something else) you constantly were negative towards me about going to class. Do you even have a conception of how difficult it was to drop out of college for a second time when not only your parents but your friends are not encouraging? We have difted apart because slowly because of this and because I was in a funk for a month or so you decided to spend that whole time being negative and condensing towards me about going out.
The one time I tried to talk to you about it saying: "Brandon stop being a prick. You are always negative etc..etc." You got defensive and left the apartment, told me to stop getting rilied up, went out for the night and came back sad and resentful. WTF? I wasn't trying to call you a prick to offend you I was trying to say it to call your attention to the fact that your recent constant negativity is annoying and then I immediately began to talk about the few problems we have had recently. Instead, you got offended, defensively, claimed it was ok because you were always kidding and left. I don't understand. How am I suppose to be able to bring up any issue I have with you if your goal at the beginning of every conversation about our friendship is to be defensive or win the battle we are having. Why do you attempt to "win" every conversation we have? I know you are a competitive guy and I often feel better losing to you then winning because I could give a shit and you like to win A LOT. This carries over to discussions about even our friendship. Everytime I have tried to bring up problems we are having you get defensive, immediately respond with "But [its ok that] I suck at [insert whatever I bring up] because you suck at X, Y and Z."
My reaction to all this has been to spend less time with you, especially when I think you will be the most negative. This includes when you are drinking (ie every time you go out), mad from losing a poker session, berating Zach for something, or just in a bad mood. I want to help you out of your bad moods if I can but in the past few months it just seems like you turn on whoever is around you at the time instead of sitting down and talking out what is going on in your head. Don't expect people there everytime you need them if you are mean to them often and will sometimes have a girl like period at least once a month. Brandon this has always been the case, even before we started living together. You have times where you go in a funk. Mo does to. I do too. There are different reasons we all do it, but you can't expect your friends to hang around you and help when all you do is spend time insulting them. Seriously, you must insult Zach at least 10-20 times a day.
On berating Zach constantly:
I have no idea why you feel the constant need to do this, no one enjoys it or thinks its funny 90% of the time because of how often you do it. Its good to make fun of everyone once in a while to loosen them up and there are always good spots to cause a good laugh because each person has their own weird quirks/dumb shit they do. This isn't a license to make fun of someone everytime you have a conversation with them. Or poke them everytime you talk to them. Especially if you are trying to get them to do something you want, or act in a way you want. Where did you learn to manipulate people seseame street? Jesus christ, pay Xak for some lessons he is 100x better then you at this. When you are negative, angry, and mad about something it doesn't encourage people. All it does is make them resentful and want to hang around you less.
Anyways, I have been your friend for a while and usually enjoy the time we spent hanging out but this cannot continue. We need to figure out a solution together or you should find a new place to live in the next couple of months. I am not suggesting there aren't things I can do to improve this friendship but I have found it tough to even bring these to your attention over the course of the past 3-4 months.
I hope we can figure it out,
Jared
Post a Comment